realization

If you read this blog much, you've read about how I tend to struggle with the tension between getting things done around the house and spending time with my kids. But I've since discovered that I'm not really that concerned about a clean house. I actually leave messes around a lot. I mostly just don't like dishes and laundry to pile up. Those are the never-ending jobs around here. And they don't actually take that much time up each day.

I've discovered that what's hardest for me is feeling unproductive. For me to feel like I have spent my day well, I need to have something to show for it: a clean house, a finished craft project, the grocery shopping done, a home improvement project worked on, etc. If you know me at all, you know I'm almost never just sitting. When I watch a movie or TV, I'm usually also knitting or crocheting or crafting. When the kids nap I'm cleaning or sewing or working one of my various committee projects. I have a really hard time just sitting.

When my husband comes home after a busy day at work, I want him to know I also worked hard all day: I cleaned the house, I have dinner planned, I worked on Josie's bed, etc. There's usually nothing tangible to show for sitting on the floor and playing with my kids. And feeling unproductive like that makes me feel like I've wasted the day. And yet, I know it can be the most important thing I do!

(Do you know about the languages of love? They are gifts, quality time, acts of service, touch, and words of appreciation / encouragement. My lowest need is quality time. And yet, it tends to be a high need for most people I know, including my children!)

I'm working on getting past this crazy thinking in my head. The other day I sat outside with Josie and helped her collect rocks from the garden. We had a great time ... and all we did was make a mess. It left us all in a much better mood, too. I have to be really intentional about stopping those tangible projects and just sit on the floor with my daughter. But, I know for my kids, its the most productive thing I can do!

groundhog day

There has been a lot to get used to over the past several months. In December I left my job of nearly five years. I had our second baby. We moved out of my parents' house into a home of our own. For the first time since Josephine was born, I was on my own with the kids ... day in, day out. I no longer have the constant companionship and help of my mom, with whom I lived while Josie was a baby, while I was pregnant with Eleanor, and in those first months after becoming a mom of two. Needless to say, there have been a lot of adjustments of late.

The most recent adjustment finds me coming to terms with the tedium of daily life as a stay-at-home mom of two pre-school aged children. I do the same things every single day: the dishes, the laundry, straightening, changing diapers, quelling arguments, saying "no" to more cookies or Curious George or jumping on my bed, being humored by meltdowns and tantrums as well as new words and new talents and the spontaneous hug, playing Legos, putting them down for naps, getting them up from naps, pouring another cup of milk, fixing another bottle of formula, wiping spit up off my pants, trying to figure out something for dinner, trying to find time to take a shower, wondering if bed time will EVER come ... you get the idea.

Every. Single. Day.

A friend of mine recently likened it to the movie Groundhog Day, where Bill Murray lives the same day over and over again ... until he learns some valuable life lessons. Only then is he allowed to move on with his life. And so, I'm trying to figure out what valuable life lessons there are to be gleaned during this time of sheer redundancy in life. I know there is great value in raising my children. I do. And yet it can be so dull! Where is my life going? What is its purpose? Another load of laundry?? Yet another pot of macaroni and cheese? Surely there is more to life than this!

In anticipation of the answers and comments I'm sure to receive: I know there's more meaning in my life than laundry and dishes and spit up. In my head, I know that. And I know there is great value to being at home with my children. And I know this is fleeting, a short period of time compared to the rest of my life (not to mention eternity, right?). I know I glorify God by being the best mom and wife I can (though I'm pretty sure most days I fail). I'm afraid sometimes I just don't feel like there is much meaning to the day-in-day-out tedium that is my life right now.

Now to get that shower before the kids wake up ... my beautiful, smiling, wonderful children. They really are the most beautiful little girls in the world. Have you met them? You'd have to agree if you met them. Really, I would do anything for them. Even another load of laundry.