My Journey through Breast Cancer

On October 11, 2013, I was diagnosed with Stage II Triple Negative Breast Cancer (TNBC) ... or as we like to call it, extreme measures for a nap (EMFN). For a while, this blog will be my cancer journal. Enter at your own risk.

03 August 2011

fail

It can be hard not to feel like a constant failure in this life I now lead. Really hard. The demands on my time are so numerous, there's no way I can get to everything. The demands on my patience (or as I prefer to call it, long-suffering) usually outweigh my actual reserves of patience. The demands on my energy are always more than I woke up with. I seem to fail at keeping the house clean, I fail at having enough patience for my temper tantrum-throwing 2-year-old, I fail at meal planning, I fail at finances, I fail at turning off the TV as often as I should, I fail at getting enough vegetables in the aforementioned toddler (let alone myself), I fail at getting enough sleep, I fail at weight loss (despite concerted efforts to the contrary), I fail at studying my Bible, I fail at reading to my daughters every night before bed, I fail at having enough positive energy left for my husband at the end of the day (and I'm starting to really miss him!), and the list could go on and on and on.


There is simply too much to do to do any of it well. And I haven't even gotten to the part where I run a Christmas boutique and the moms group at my church, or the part-time work for my old boss! How is one supposed to fit it all in, with a smile on one's face?! There are some days I wonder if it's even possible my children will turn out remotely well, if I will make it through without a meltdown of my own, if my husband misses me too (the me before "frazzled" took over).

And then I think about church. At church on Sunday our pastor spoke on grace. The kind only God can give. The kind defined by "getting what we don't deserve" or "God's riches at Christ's expense," and I find I have hope. Oh, I'm still an utter failure at every turn ... but God's grace makes all of that OK. My kids aren't really mine anyway, they're God's. And it isn't me who decides who will be blessed by Moms Connection, it's God. With his help, Mary Roseanne's can be a smashing success in spite of my shortcomings. With his help my hunky hubby and I will make it through the seemingly endless diaper-changing years stronger ... even if we have a few extra gray hairs to show for it. I can't help but think of that silly phrase, "There, but for the grace of God, go I." (It's in one too many country songs.) I think the "there" they're talking about is the insane asylum. Knowing God has my back keeps me sane. It helps me let go ... which is necessary, since I can't do it all anyway.

And by his grace, I see little successes every day too. One more pound lost. Josephine heeding me when I say "No." The floor actually getting mopped. The laundry completely done by Tuesday morning. Eleanor's smiles ... we must be doing something right, right? I guess I'm just feeling reminded how utterly weak I am, humanly speaking. But for the grace of God, I would truly be a failure, and there would be no hope for my children or my marriage or my sanity. But he fills in all the cracks (or should I say, gaping holes). I am truly comforted by that today. How awesome is the grace of God?

3 comments:

Sami Lee said...

Such a great post--to say I can relate would be an understatement. :) I always seem to focus on everything that I did NOT get done at the end of the day, but I'm trying my darndest to focus on all the stuff that I did. Such is the life of a stay-at-home mom! Love your blog. Looking forward to seeing you at Moms Connection this fall! :)

Debbie Hupp said...

Heidi,

I appreciate your openness and honesty so much. I just happened to check your blog to see if there was anything posted about your Christmas boutique and I read this posting. As a mom and simply as a person (who is a bit of a perfectionist) I relate to your feelings and appreciate the stance of utter dependence on the gift of God's grace.

As a mom who has graduated from 2 children in diapers to 2 children out of diapers, let me encourage you that it does get easier. I think one of the hardest years of my life was the first year of Gideon's life. It is just an enormous challenge to have two little children to take care of and the responsibility of anything else to juggle along with that.

Give me a call or send me an email if you would ever like to schedule a play date.

Deb

Anonymous said...

"Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow,
For babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow,
So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep,
I'm rocking my baby, 'cause babies don't keep!"

Enjoy them while you can—they won't remember that the house was messy or that their meals were simple. They will remember the time you spent with them though!

Love,
Mom Dub