My Journey through Breast Cancer

On October 11, 2013, I was diagnosed with Stage II Triple Negative Breast Cancer (TNBC) ... or as we like to call it, extreme measures for a nap (EMFN). For a while, this blog will be my cancer journal. Enter at your own risk.

10 August 2010

praise God for his patience

Jesus once asked Peter three times if he loved Him. Peter needed that opportunity, needed the question that many times. Sincerity and seriousness grow when a question that important is repeated. I feel like Jesus is asking me over and over, "Heidi, do you trust me?" He has to keep asking me because I keep wavering, cracking, slipping, tripping and falling. Forgetting. Worrying. Fearing. I admit, I am afraid.

In the past year and a half you could say Caleb and I have been through a lot. We had our first baby, Caleb lost his job, them he couldn't find a job (for what would be 10 months), I only grudgingly went back to work part time, we lost our home, we moved in with my parents, he got a job! but its contractual and temporary with no health coverage or PTO, we got pregnant again, adding to the stress and the financial strain, the car broke down, I found out my job won't be available after Baby #2 comes, meaning the end of steady income, even if it was small, and now we don't know if his temporary job will even last through August. You could say life has been lived at a fairly high stress level, with nothing but today feeling certain and taken care of. Its been a long time since we've known where we're going, what we're doing, since our feet have felt solid ground beneath them. And I admit, I like solid ground, I like maps, I like plans and direction.

And yes, there have been some serious blessings in the midst of all we've lost and all that seems so uncertain. We have loving and caring families, who will always make sure we have a roof over our heads. We have a healthy and happy and walking 14-month-old. If anything our struggles have strengthened our marriage, and continue to refine our faith by fire. And despite our financial struggles, somehow each month we've managed not only to make ends meet, but to afford little luxuries along the way.

And yet, sometimes my faith wavers, my strength fails, and I find it more than difficult to focus on the positive, on the blessings. Sometimes I feel the fire of uncertainty and fear taking over and consuming me, instead of making me stronger. Will I be refined through all of this? Or just burned.

It seems to be in those darker hours I hear Jesus' voice more clearly, "Heidi, do you trust me?" And my first inclination, my gut response, is "No!" Its too hard. I need some answers, some clarity, some definition, something certain. Then I will trust you. And so he has to ask again, and sometimes again and again, until the question itself holds the answer. He is God. He has already paid the ultimate sacrifice for me, and he longs to bless me, take care of me, guide me. His plan is a solid one, a good one, even if I can't see it yet. If I look back at the awesome ways He has cared for me throughout my life, how can I doubt he will do any differently in the present? When it comes down to it, its silly to doubt. But I do it anyway. I'm human. I flounder and waver and fail. And so Jesus, in his infinite patience, asks me daily, "Do you trust me?" And I am forced to say yes. Not because he forces me, but because he has never proven himself to be untrustworthy or unfaithful. I am brought back to that peace that surpasses understanding because He is God. He is my hope. What else could I possibly need?

Sometimes (OK, all the time) I just need to be reminded.

4 comments:

km said...

If you're feeling better now that you're out of the first trimester...we definitely need to plan a knit night. Maybe once or twice a month. I know so many of those emotions you're feeling right now.

km said...

If you're feeling better now that you're out of the first trimester...we definitely need to plan a knit night. Maybe once or twice a month. I know so many of those emotions you're feeling right now.

Kel said...

Preach it sister!!! You can come stay with us in CO!!!!! YIPEE!!! You will be in my conversations with Dad friend. and know...that you can always name your second born after ...yours truly. :)

Brent Larson said...

well said. thanks, heidi.