woe is me

I've been feeling a little bit sorry for myself today. I'm tired, so its hard to fight the pity party. And I'm not just regular, didn't-get-enough-sleep tired. I'm tired-in-my-bones tired. Can't-keep-my-eyes-open tired. And I've found myself in a complaining mood. (The only reason I'm writing instead of sleeping right now is because the kids are in the bath and I'll be needed to help get them to bed when its done.)

As a result of my lowered immunity my body can't fight off some regular things ... like acne and cold sores and a lingering cold. Therefore, I'm fighting the worst breakout since high school, and a cold sore. My whole face hurts.

Daily I draw nearer to the day I will actually choose to shave my head ... because my hair has become too thin to pretend anymore. I am dreading this day, and it weighs heavy on me.

Some chemo patients, when they're tired, they get to take long uninterrupted naps. When I'm tired, I doze on the couch in five to ten-minute increments, between requests for snacks, preschoolers fighting over a toy, the baby crying, and/or the dog barking because the mail carrier had the audacity to, once again, drop off our mail. (Seriously, she has to bark every time??)

Chemo drugs attack rapidly growing cells, like the ones that coat your mouth and tongue and throat. This has made my mouth sore, and most food tastes funny. The nice side of this is that I've lost the four pounds I gained eating comfort food after I found out I had cancer. But, I still miss the real taste of food.

Some chemo patients, when they need extra time alone, just go to Starbucks, or take a drive, or go to a movie. I end up staying up past midnight, just because its the only time everyone else in the house is quiet and leaving me alone. But I'm still up with the baby, these days by 6:30 in the a.m. Thus ... extra tired.

Oh, AND its Christmas. Family and presents and traditions and trees and decorations and parties .... and skipped naps and too many cookies and too much activity and I-just-can't-bear-it-anymore anticipation. And as Mom, most of the holiday duties rest on me. Its a wonderful, yet an exhausting time of year, even when you're NOT also going through chemo.

I've had a headache since Saturday.

The kitchen is never clean and I'm way behind on laundry. The floors need cleaning and there are toys EVERYWHERE. I find it hard to relax in such an environment.

I'm afraid today I have no positive twist on my current state of sullenhood. I'm just too tired. I can at least take heart in the fact that ALL of this is temporary (well, when I'm done with chemo I'll still have the three kids and the dogs, and therefore I'll probably still be tired ... but that's a tired I'm used to). My taste buds will be restored, my face will clear up, my headache will go away, I won't be so exhausted. My hair will grow back. But, at the moment, I'm finding it hard to hold on to the future when it feels so stinking far away from right now.

I think its time for ice cream.