My Journey through Breast Cancer

On October 11, 2013, I was diagnosed with Stage II Triple Negative Breast Cancer (TNBC) ... or as we like to call it, extreme measures for a nap (EMFN). For a while, this blog will be my cancer journal. Enter at your own risk.

21 February 2013

The Life Imagined

It has officially been more than eight months since I last posted anything on this blog. I've gotten distracted with Facebook, I'm afraid. Its fast and easy and I can see what other people are up to. I've needed that in my life, as I spend most of every day with a 3 1/2-year-old and a 2-year-old. Facebook is my connection to the outside world! Anyway, not that I expect anyone to read this or care a great deal about my Facebook needs ... Except my mom, of course. Hi, Mom!

I've decided to take up blogging again because journaling is good for me. I used to be an avid journaler. But its been a while since I journaled regularly. I think journaling is a good way to process life, and get outside the world of poopy diapers, which is important. More important than I give it credit, I think. So, whether anyone reads my ramblings or not is not really my point. My point is that I have a lot on my mind, and some goals I want to reach, and perhaps getting back to thinking "out loud" about them will help me process them faster. Faster than what? Well, faster than my days of peanut butter and jelly seem to get me. Its easy in the world of toddler raising to forget one's own needs, I suppose.

I read this quotation on Pinterest recently and I can't seem to get it out of my mind: "She decided to live the life she'd always imagined." I've gotten to thinking about that ... a lot. What parts of my life do I often imagine differently, what am I truly unhappy with, and why in the WORLD do I choose to stay that way?

By nature, and by sheer act of will, I prefer to choose contentment in life. I actually really do love my life. I take my cousin's husband's attitude and honestly believe "I'm living the dream!" I have a husband I love who loves me, two beautiful (if somewhat ornery) children, a third healthy pregnancy, a home I feel blessed to live in, enough food on the table and clothes in our closets. I have wonderful extended family and a great group of friends. I belong to a wonderful church. I live in a land that sees no snow. Ever. Honestly, life is good.

But I would contend there are some areas of discipline where I wish I were more ... well, disciplined. Three, in particular, tend to nag at me. One: I am not the avid studier of God's Word that I wish I were. I use the exhaustion and craziness of motherhood as an excuse way too often. But it is just that, an excuse. Two: I am not as healthy as I could be. Again, over the past several years, I've used pregnancy and stress and impending pregnancy as excuses for too many sodas and not enough exercise. Three: I desire true financial stability. Dave Ramsey, I am yours!

The truth is, I really am tired ... all the time. And I do believe in giving myself a certain amount of grace in these areas. But even living in the land of grace can be detrimental if there are no trips to the land of personal responsibility.

As I look to a couple years down the road when my 40th birthday will inevitably hit, I've decided that's an excellent time frame for taking care of changing a few bad habits, and living life as I imagine it should be. I want to BE the me that I wish I was. And I figure two years and four months is a good amount of time to make significant progress in these areas.

I still have 14 weeks until Baby #3 makes her entrance into the Weston household. And there's no telling what kind of baby she will be or what kind of havoc her arrival will wreak on our home, and therefore just how much she will add to the exhaustion. And so, again, I allow myself a little grace not to tackle all my lack of discipline at once. But I can start in little ways. Start changing the small habits. For instance, DO my Bible study each week before I meet at the church for the review. It only takes 10-20 minutes to finish. Pray out loud with my kids more often. Cut out soda ... every day but Sunday (let's be realistic). Research healthy lunch options and start trying them out (lunch is my downfall!). Set attainable goals. Figure out a reasonable post-pregnancy exercise plan and start working on the childcare necessary to make the plan work. Find some accountability in the friends and family around me to help me stick to my goals.

The great thing about having a significant amount of time to make significant changes is that big goals don't seem so crazy big when moved toward with baby steps, small goals I can manage, even while pregnant and exhausted and overwhelmed.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, so they say. Its time to take that step and stop regretting the fact that I didn't take that first step two years ago. Or yesterday, for that matter.

And I plan to blog a little more about this journey. Not for accountability's sake ... I really don't think there's anyone who reads this blog anymore. And I don't find posting things to the World Wide Web to actually have much impact on my follow-through. I do it for me. Because journaling is good for my soul and my thought processes. And because when I reach each of these goals, I think it'll be great to have a record.


Gretchen said...

Yay! I get to see who writes a new blog if i go to my old blog where I have a live feed of all my favorites. =)

So glad you are journaling because it is so easy to get caught up in the daily drudgery and just let life kind of pass by without much intention.
I am right there with you!

Btw, I am newly preggars with our third as well. It's a bit overwhelming and we didn't really plan on three but here we go! As much work as babies are they are a blessing. =0)

joybells said...

YOu go girl!!!! You can do it! And so can I!!!

Anonymous said...

I enjoy reading your writing. Glad to see you are back at it! Blessings on your journey!

Your everloving MIL!