My Journey through Breast Cancer

On October 11, 2013, I was diagnosed with Stage II Triple Negative Breast Cancer (TNBC) ... or as we like to call it, extreme measures for a nap (EMFN). For a while, this blog will be my cancer journal. Enter at your own risk.

19 August 2010

help my unbelief!

As Caleb and I have committed ourselves more to prayer lately, I have become more aware of my expectations for the future. And as one becomes more aware of one's expectations, one becomes more fearful of those expectations not coming to fruition. I suppose its better to recognize them now, before they become "unmet expectations" and I get really depressed, though not sure why. And so, my thought pendulum has swung the opposite way, and I have found myself slipping into "Murphy's Law" type reasoning: "What you think will happen won't." And what I've been sure would happen is that Caleb will find the perfect, well-paying-with-benefits job by the end of November, and all our financial troubles will be solved. That's been my expectation now for a while.

But my Murphy's Law fears are threatening to take over. They go something like this: What if Caleb doesn't find a job before the baby is born? What if we get to January and have no health insurance? What if we have no steady income at all come January? What if Caleb finds his dream job ... but it requires moving far away? What if, for some reason, I have to be removed from my support base of family, church and friends? Bottom line: What if what little I still have is taken away from me? I don't think I could handle it. And yet, isn't Jesus our great Provider, our firm foundation, the solid rock on which we stand? What if he wants me to really learn that lesson, and strips me of everything else that gives me some semblance of security? The thought scares me half to death, to be honest.

And yet, do I believe that God is good? That he has my best interests at heart? That his plan for me is perfect? That he has things in store for us beyond anything we could think or imagine? I do, I heartily believe that. And yet, I fear. And so I must harbor doubts ... and its these doubts I can't seem to shed. How much easier would my days be if I could just let go of those fears and lay them at his feet ... instead of carrying them around with me day and night? At five months pregnant I already have a lot to carry. And the Bible says we don't add a single day to our lives by worrying. And not only that, I'm not a worryer. Its not in my nature. At least, it didn't used to be. I want so badly to let it go ... and so I earnestly pray, Lord help my unbelief!

Mark 9:17-27

"A man in the crowd answered, 'Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not.'

'O unbelieving generation,' Jesus replied, 'how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me.'

So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.

Jesus asked the boy's father, 'How long has he been like this?' 'From childhood,' he answered. 'It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.'

'"If you can"?' said Jesus. 'Everything is possible for him who believes.'

Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, 'I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!'

When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the evil spirit. 'You deaf and mute spirit,' he said, 'I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.' The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, 'He's dead.' But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up.


Kel said...

Has Calbe looked here:

you love their stuff....he should work there!!!

melanie said...

One day at a time, my friend! Email me if you need to vent. Love you!