My Journey through Breast Cancer

On October 11, 2013, I was diagnosed with Stage II Triple Negative Breast Cancer (TNBC) ... or as we like to call it, extreme measures for a nap (EMFN). For a while, this blog will be my cancer journal. Enter at your own risk.

24 September 2008

daily battles

Do you ever have one of those days when, as you stare at yourself in the mirror, you have to make a conscious decision to like what you see? I've been having a few of those days lately. I look at myself and sometimes I only see the bad skin, which I still fight at age 33. I see the hair that doesn't shine like those girls in the Pantene commercials, despite my use of the product. (Liars!) I lament at the 30 pounds I still wish I would buckle down and lose, but every day I vacillate between "I can lose 10 pounds!" and "life's too short to skip dessert." As a result I've lost the same 4 pounds countless times this year, failing to gain any ground at all. I wish I were a better dresser, that every time I walked out the door Stacey London would approve. Unfortunately, on these days I feel she would discard my entire wardrobe, wracked with horror that I would wear flip-flops to work and throw my hair in a pony tail. I feel so un-put-together sometimes.

I find myself comparing myself to those around me. I have four beautiful (and skinny) sisters. I have tons of beautiful cousins. (See bachelorette party pictures below.) I work with beautiful put-together people. I have friends who do all the right things with their hair and clothes, and manage to lose the baby weight after each kid.

I am sorely tempted to focus on these things, and to completely forget that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. On days like this I don't even know what that means, or how I'm supposed to own it to rise above society's impossible demands. I know that I am precious in the eyes of my husband, my family, my friends ... and especially my dog. (No one else greets me by jumping twice their height into the air when they see me.) No, today I'm having a hard time getting past the things about myself I wish were different, despite the countless reasons I should have for thinking otherwise. Most days I can talk myself out of low self-image moments, but there are days when the battle is overwhelming, and I don't have any weapons with which to fight.

The daily onslaught of Pantene commercials, celebrity magazines, diet fads, Hollywood awards shows and the regular fashion show life is supposed to be ... it makes me tired. I want to rise above it, I really do. And most days I can. Those who know me well know I usually have self-esteem to spare. But today, all I feel like doing is curling up on the couch in my sweats and t-shirt with a gallon of mint-n-chip ice cream and drowning my issues in episode after episode of Law and Order: SVU. Which, of course, doesn't help anything at all. I suppose I'll have to content myself with the M&M's in the office and my somewhat comfy office chair ... at least until I've gathered the strength to fight again.

You have days like this, too ... right?


Michelle said...

Most definately you are not alone in this Heidi, I marvel at your weight loss success and wish for myself to just ONCE lose and KEEP OFF even just 10 pounds. I definately can relate to everything you wrote on this one.

Gretchen said...

Heidi, today I went to a mommy and me class in Malibu. Talk about feeling inadequate! Everyone had on designer track suits and D&G sunglasses. Everyone was nice but I sure felt frumpy! And today was a good hair day!!
I understand those days. Oh and by the way one of your friends (this one) actually gained weight after the baby! (darn-it!)
It's life, and even the prettiest most put together ladies feel inadequate some days.

Knitting Keep Me sane said...

I am with you. I have struggled all my life. and with each child gained a little more. I too have a DH who loves me for me butthat does not always make it all better.

Hope today is a better one.

Keep smiling and writing wonderful things oin your blog.

Also enjoy your sisters wedding. Can not wait for pictures.

Also stole your pattern and colors from your black and white dishcloth you made for me. AND MADE ONE FOR my new pal on the dishcloth swap.


melanie said...

Insightful. I can't imagine being married to a Mr. Hunkiness and still thinking I was less than amazing. How is that possible?

So finding the love of your life doesn't solve the problem, huh? Being thin doesn't solve the problem either, by the way.

love you!