My Journey through Breast Cancer

On October 11, 2013, I was diagnosed with Stage II Triple Negative Breast Cancer (TNBC) ... or as we like to call it, extreme measures for a nap (EMFN). For a while, this blog will be my cancer journal. Enter at your own risk.

22 July 2008

when it rains

Sometimes Life hits you from every angle at once. I don't know if Life intends it that way, but there has to be a reason behind the saying, "when it rains it pours." I mean, Life has to have done this to countless people over the centuries for such a phrase to be coined and become common, right? So I can't be the only one.

My sister is getting married in September. She has chosen the perfect man for her, which makes wedding planning all the more fun. The details are coming along nicely, but the more exciting parts of the wedding are about helping her prepare for marriage. We're having fun hanging out, talking through all the changes she's about to encounter. I want to make sure I devote ample time to her in the next two months, as its been a really special time in our relationship.

My brother and sister-in-law are expecting their first child, which happens also to be my parents' first grandchild. Jon and Julie had some trials getting pregnant, which makes this baby all the more precious. And I can't wait to see my brother as a dad. In some ways he never grew past 12 years old ... in the very ways that'll make him a good father. And I can't wait to meet Madeline, my first niece.

My other brother and his wife have made a decision to move to Washington. The state. The one that is at least a two-day's drive away. I am excited for them and the opportunity they have to make this move. There's a program at a university up there David is really excited about, and like all of us, they just want to get out of the big city nature of Southern California. I'm actually quite jealous, and would move in a heartbeat if my roots weren't so deep here. However, as excited as I am for them and the adventure that awaits them, I get sad to think of them leaving. I so enjoy them both and they will be sorely missed.

And underneath each of these happy events lies the sometimes-overwhelming sadness of my grandma's illness. We're at the stage now where we don't know how long she'll live. If it were up to each of us, she would of course be miraculously healed and live another 20 years. I think we would even be content if she would just hold on until Christmas ... see the babies born (my sister-in-law's and my cousin's) and see Amy married ... among other good family times that will surely be had. But we don't know the plan God has for her, and I'd hate to see her hang on in pain when she could be free of it forever. In this struggle of hers I worry about my grandfather, her husband of 60 years. How do you go on living without your life's partner? I worry about my mom and her sisters and the pain of losing their mother. It is a difficult time for all.

So how do I keep the pouring rain of various emotions from washing me away? How do I celebrate with my sister in the morning when I've grieved with my grandma the night before? I don't handle this kind of emotional turmoil well, and often find myself emotionall drained. And then how do I help my mom do the same (it is even harder for her). My role in each of these events is mostly that of support, but just how strong a beam am I? Am I strong enough to carry the whirlwind raging inside for an unknown length of time?

I suppose I'm not. Isn't it God who gives us the strength to endure all things? Isn't it through Him that all things are possible? Last week I took a sick day and stayed home. I spent some significant time in the Word and in my journal. I read Psalm 139, mostly for lack of an idea of what else to read. It was comforting. It is a great reminder of how present God is, in my heart, in my innermost being. I believe he wants to celebrate with me, he wants to cry with me, and he wants to meet me in the quiet places between. How amazing is that?

1 comment:

Gretchen said...

MM... My eyes are wet. Your family is really going through so many life changing events. My prayers are with your Grandparents, your mom, aunts and the rest of the family.