My Journey through Breast Cancer

On October 11, 2013, I was diagnosed with Stage II Triple Negative Breast Cancer (TNBC) ... or as we like to call it, extreme measures for a nap (EMFN). For a while, this blog will be my cancer journal. Enter at your own risk.

14 November 2007


The idea of contentment has been a prominent one in my thoughts of late. What is it? How do you find it? Is it possible to be content on even the wantingest days? In America today there is so much pressure to have more, do more, be more. And yet God calls for me to be content today, leave the past behind and leave tomorrow for, well, tomorrow. What I have and who I am right now are exactly all I need to have and be. Take one day at a time, and "be where you are," as my grandma always says.

On a purely materialistic level, living in a country where accumulating things is so easy makes contentment even harder to come by. Because we're used to having so much, we've come to expect much. Even I, on my limited spending budget, seem to be able to afford the new jacket, another skein of yarn for that new project, enough food to be nourished and a little extra for the cravings, and I'm able to go out and see movies and take weekend trips, even as gas prices become simply ridiculous. My life is far from extravagant, but when it comes down to it, there's little I have to deny myself.

And yet I often find myself wanting more, or worried about wanting more in the future ... will we ever be able to afford a bigger home? Will we even be able to afford kids?! Will I ever get to have a cashmere sweater? And what about all the vacations we've talked about taking? And when we have the kids and the pets we can't afford, how will we afford the bigger car to cart them all around? How can you expect me to be content when there is so much I still want and worry I'll never have??

Hmm ... I think I might be on to something. Contentment is a lack of worry about these things; not necessarily a lack of want. And yet I think there can also be a peace about what IS that supersedes what I WISH were.

As you can see these questions center around finances, mostly. (Oh, how often I think a little lottery ticket would just solve everything! But then, I'd have to get up the guts to buy one, which I've never done, so as of yet my millions sit waiting for me to overcome embarrassment over lottery-ticket-buying-ignorance with an anonymous grocery store clerk.) Finances have to be one of the biggest areas of concern for us all. Living month to month, saving what we can, only to watch those savings drained by medical bills or license & registration renewals ... and coming up, Christmas. It can be really hard, and sometimes I really do think a few millions would solve a lot.

But I don't think that's the answer. Lessons are often learned through struggle, we are refined by fire. And so I have this sneaking feeling this is a lifelong battle, contentment. And yet I AM worried. Its not that I'm not content today, I think I'm more worried about not being content later. What if I have to work after kids? What if I have to raise kids in what will become a too-small condo? I feel like I need to solve these problems today in order to stave off discontent in the future. But does that make me discontent today? I'm actually not sure. I think on some levels I'm more worried about the future. I'm actually pretty happy with life as it stands right now. And yet, somehow, it seems that shouldn't be a concern if I were truly content today.

More later.

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