My Journey through Breast Cancer

On October 11, 2013, I was diagnosed with Stage II Triple Negative Breast Cancer (TNBC) ... or as we like to call it, extreme measures for a nap (EMFN). For a while, this blog will be my cancer journal. Enter at your own risk.

14 September 2007

i am weak

I woke up late this morning. By the time I made it downstairs it was already time to leave. So I didn't make a lunch, and I didn't eat any breakfast. Every day I pass a Starbucks on my way to work. This is the Starbucks I previously boycotted because three times in a row they messed up my Peppermint Mocha. But a lot of time has passed since then, and I was hungry. So I stopped, and for the first time in ages, I got breakfast at Starbucks. They have a mostly new crew in there now, so I had renewed hopes they'd get my drink right. Besides, its hard to mess up a Soy Chai Tea. I also ordered a "reduced fat" blueberry coffee cake. I don't believe it was actually good for me, but its an offering to the diet gods at least.

This most recent "eating wisely" setback has forced me to take stock of the fact that my "dieting" has not gone well for several months now. (I don't like to think of myself on a diet, just a journey to a healthier lifestyle.) I still get up early every morning to work out, that's not the problem. And for all my inability to lose weight, I haven't gained any, and there's victory in that for sure. But I am still a solid 15 pounds from my goal. I cheat all the time now, sneaking M&M's into my daily diet now, splurging at dinners out when I used to choose more wisely, things like that. Just enough to keep from losing anymore. Why can't I just DO IT? I worked long and hard for the 25 I've lost, and I'm quite proud of myself actually. Of the 40 I wanted to lose, I've lost 63% of it. You'd think the last push would go quickly.

But ... not so much.

I've tried to analyze why this is. Part of it was summer. Summer is full of parties and ice cream and lazier days. Its hard to be focused when summer is about taking time off. But I think a big part of it is how much I'm enjoying the weight I've already lost. I still haven't reached the doctor's criteria for "healthy," falling into the "slightly overweight" category still. But I'm healthier and thinner now than I've been in nearly 10 years. Its hard not to revel in the success I've already achieved.

But I don't want to settle for good when I can have better, and ultimately, best. But how do I get past this current hurdle? One thing I've done is made a personal (and now, not so private) goal to not buy any more new clothes until that last 15 pounds are finally shed. Shopping is a personal vice. I LOVE new clothes. So hopefully I can follow my own rules and self-inflicted punishments to a good end.

I could do it by the end of the year. It wouldn't even require that much work. I actually wouldn't even mind if it took longer. I'm not worried about time, having put no time limits on myself. And yet, I DO want to be done. There needs to be a balance between challenging myself and recognizing the reality that it does take time.

But the "how" is not really the problem. I know what I need to do. Its the motivation. How do I stay motivated when I'm finding myself happy with my current state? Its hard to imagine happier, and yet I know its out there. And I want it. The thing is, what got me to this point in the first place was the vision of me skinnier and healthier. And the vision was very real in my mind. I've achieved that to enough of a degree to leave me feeling quite content. And yet, deep down, I know more is still better. I have no delusions of grandeur about losing 30 more pounds. I've never needed to be really skinny. That's not me. And I want to stay me, only healthy. Just 15 more. That's all I want.

I suppose today I'm only presenting the problem. I don't have a solution as yet (though insights and encouragement would be welcome). I just want to get over the hurdle I'm currently facing, motivation to complete what I've started. I want to finish well, not just pretty good.

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