my surreal life

I have never been one to transition through phases of life smoothly. I am a woman of habit, routine, schedules and organization. When these things are missing from my life I feel lost, wondering where I fit inside my own life. Often the introvert in me comes out with a vengeance, and I have high needs for space and time to myself in an effort to reorient. Even though I might know a new phase is coming, I never manage to get through the transition without a fair amount of tears, stress, conflicted feelings and general confusion. It takes me time to turn a new phase of life into something familiar, with a routine and at least some semblance of organization. Only then can I start to relax and enter back into regulary daily living.

I've been thinking a lot about this part of my personality as I've entered into parenthood. On the list of stressful events in life, pregnancy and new babies rate pretty high. Add to that the loss of Caleb's job and a steady income (tomorrow's his last day), and we have a recipe for a somewhat unstable Heidi (let's not even talk about how my lack of sleep and hormone imbalance only exacerbate my already-emotional response to things).

Its interesting how I can be so totally overwhelmed by motherhood, and yet at the same time find so many parts of it so natural and instinctual. I used to be so afraid of infants, with their floppy necks and seeming fragility, and yet I find myself completely comfortable caring for my own. I can't believe I've been entrusted with this precious life (did God miss the memo about me not being a "kid person"?), and yet I am often overcome by the intensity of feeling I have for my baby girl ... the love I feel, and the need to protect and nurture and care for and comfort her. If she cries for more than a minute or two I find myself sobbing there right along with her, usually for no other reason than I'm so sorry I can't fix it. I hate to see her in pain or discomfort. I suppose I'm in for a lifetime of that.

I also find it amazing how I've managed to function these last several weeks on nothing but a series of 1- to 3-hour naps. At the same time I'm marveling at my ability to function, I find myself so utterly exhausted that I can fall asleep at any moment, anywhere, and sometimes I let my precious daughter fuss a while before dragging myself out of bed to get her what she needs. I'm so tired sometimes that even though I know I'm not thinking rationally about things, there's nothing I can do about it. I also tend to bristle inside when anyone else complains of being tired, even when their claims of weariness are valid. Surely they can't be as tired as me.

I'm also still healing from major surgery. Its only been three weeks since Josie was born, and there are days I'm still really sore, and need to remember to take it easy in order to heal well. Speaking of healing, I find myself overjoyed at already having lost 20 pounds of pregnancy weight. I love seeing my ankles again and being able to see my feet past my stomach. And yet, I still can't get my wedding rings on, and I am quite ready to lose the other 20 pounds and regain some of my pre-pregnancy health and fitness. I get a bit impatient sometimes at not being able to walk for too long without getting winded or winding up in pain. Oh, and let's not even talk about how I have nothing to wear. Pre-pregnancy clothes are still too small, and I simply refuse to keep wearing most of my maternity clothes. Most of them are already packed away. This leaves me with a pair of sweats and a couple t-shirts for the time being ... not exactly great for a Southern California summer.

As for Caleb's job, I vacillate between fear for our financial situation and excitement for what the future holds. Every day I have the conversation with God where I ask for peace and patience in the midst of uncertainty, and strength to keep expecting his amazing love for us to do something amazing and dramatic for Caleb. This situation is an awesome opportunity for him to get out and do the things he's always dreamed of doing! And yet, we don't have an unlimited amount of savings off of which to live. We're praying and hoping for something amazing.

Yesterday at church our associate pastor spoke on Matthew 11:28, "Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." He talked about the difference between being weary, a result of choices we've made, and burdened, a result of circumstances thrust upon us. For both kinds of tiredness there is rest to be found in Christ. He promises to be yoked along with us, to carry the heavier load, and to teach us how to carry ours. "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." I am in great need of the rest only God can give, physical, emotional, spiritual and mental.

I am who I am, and it is simply going to take me some time and space to adjust to my new role as Mom. It is something I have always wanted and something I am enjoying every minute of (even though it leaves me tired beyond tired). I am so in love with my beautiful daughter its impossible to quantify. Its just going to take some time to find my footing again.

family excursion to Disneyland

Yesterday was my birthday. If you live in the Southern California area, you are probably aware that Disneyland is celebrating birthdays this year by offering free entry into the park or a $69 gift card to spend in the park. Since I already have an annual pass, I wanted the gift card, and even though I was only 2 1/2 weeks from major surgery and I had a 2 1/2-week old baby to tote along, I was determined to make it to the park. My in-laws joined us for dinner and a brief stroll down Main Street. I also enjoyed my first visit to the baby care center. Disneyland is very baby friendly. I was pretty worn out by the time we got home, but I got my gift card, a Happy Birthday button, and Josie got a "1st Visit" button! It was a successful birthday excursion.

The Weston Family at Disneyland. A close look at the picture and you can see Sleeping Beauty's Castle behind us.

Josie with her grandparents Weston and Mickey Mouse.

I took this picture this morning, after Josie had eaten and been changed. I could watch her sleep all day long. She looks so relaxed and peaceful, even if she is foaming at the mouth a little. :)

new skills

Ah, the things my baby is teaching me ...

... to live life one-handed. I can make breakfast, start the laundry, go up and down the stairs, take care of the dog, all with a baby in one hand.

... to live life perpetually tired, and somehow still manage to make breakfast, shower, make lunch, watch TV, answer the phone, and occasionally make trips to exciting places like Target and the mall.

... to get up 2-3 times a night for an hour and not even cry about it (most of the time).

... to get better and better at swaddling.

... to relax about all the things I CAN'T get done ... like buy Father's Day cards, clean my house, change the sheets on my bed, wash my car and fix the tail light, stop watching too much TV.

... and perhaps most importantly, that I CAN take care of an infant, and I can find myself absolutely in love with her ... despite my not being a "kid person." Who knew babies could be so much fun!?

a few pics

One of my mom's happy places.

Josephine in one of her favorite outfits. 16 days old.

My grandma, Josie's great grandma, bought Josie this dress. I wanted to make sure I got a picture of her in it before she outgrows it ... turns out she'll be able to wear it for a while after all. I keep forgetting how little she is!

playing the odds

Different articles will say that somewhere between 8 and 14 percent of women experience their water breaking before labor starts, and that only about 4 percent of babies are born on their due dates. These are the statistics that were running through my head when my water broke, on Josephine's due date, and therefore the reason it took me a while ... three episodes of leaking amniotic fluid over a 4-hour period ... before I finally called the doctor.

We arrived at the hospital around 3:15 in the morning, Saturday June 6. The nurses confirmed my water had broken, and that there was meconium in the fluid (the baby's first stool). The presence of meconium makes things a little bit dicey, as it can lead to infection and possible problems for the baby.

It turns out I was already in labor when we arrived at the hospital, though I couldn't feel the contractions. Even so, I was still only dilated to 2 centimeters. Josie wasn't handling labor well, so they put me on oxygen and fluids, and within an hour her heartrate stabilized. So they added pitosin to the chemical mix to get labor moving along a little faster. Even so, by noon I had only dilated another centimeter, and Josie had gone back to not liking labor. So, they took me OFF pitosin, to give her some time to rest, and to see if her heartrate would stabilize again.

Unfortunately, this time, her heartrate continued to give the doctors some concern. After each one of my contractions, her heartrate would drop dramatically, a fact I could hear on the monitors they had me hooked up to. It started to alarm even me, and around 1:30 the doctor came into my room to announce that Josie wasn't going to do labor anymore, and it was time for a C-section. We needed to get her out of there. At my doctor's appointment a week later, he confirmed that the placenta was indeed infected, and getting Josie out of there was exactly the right decision.

Talk about having a procedure down to a science! At 1:30 they announced the need for the C-section, and she was born at exactly 2:00, half an hour later. Caleb stayed with me behind the blue curtain while they delivered Josephine. It was the weirdest thing to feel the tugging and pulling going on, and then suddenly, it felt like my stomach collapsed ... and she was out! What an amazing thing to hear that little cry! Caleb went with a nurse and Josie to the recovery room while I got stitched up, and I eventually joined them there.

Nothing about Josie's birth went the way it was supposed to. After a combined 9 hours of lamaze classes, I ended up not using much of anything I learned. We watched one video about C-sections, which I didn't pay much attention to. I wasn't going to have a C-section, so why pay attention? I had expected 20 hours of labor and 2 hours of pushing, a full week after my due date. This is why I hadn't packed yet for the hospital (Caleb did that in 20 minutes after I called the hospital at 2 in the morning), and why it took me as long as it did to finally call the doctor in the middle of the night.

My delivery story isn't anything like what I expected, but my healthy baby girl is so much more than anything I imagined. Speaking of which, she's waking up from her nap ... I'll write more later!

birthday wish list

With all that's happened in June, I keep forgetting my own birthday is coming up (June 25). Here's my small birthday wish list ....

1. A super cute diaper bag

ANY one of these or these. (They can also be found at ebags.com and zappos.com)

I like this one, in the blue print

Orrr ... any diaper bag that's not too big, looks well organized, and looks more like a fun purse than a diaper bag. Mama's gotta stay stylish, if at all possible.

2. Summer Sun Dresses (I figure its going to be a while before I'm fitting into my old clothes, so I'm thinking loose and comfy sun dresses for summer, like the following ....)

I love the new trend of long "maxi dresses," like these:

3. A pair of Rainbow flip-flops (Black ones, wide strap, size 7 wmns)

4. My Amazon.com wish list is always stocked:

A few highlights are:

Knitting books (Simply Baby by Debbie Bliss is at the top of my list right now)
Jason Mraz CD

Lady Antebellum CD

Ari Hest CD

Harry Potter books 2, 3, and 4 (I have the others)

Prince Caspian, the movie (on Blu-Ray)

5. Yarn

I love yarn. And I'm on a baby yarn kick right now (I know, go figure). Knit Picks is a great site with very affordable yarn. Any truly soft and machine washable yarn would qualify as baby yarn (soft is anything with mostly cotton, linen, bamboo, or washable wool).

my new reality

I haven't had much of a chance to post anything about Josie's birth. There were those days in the hospital, then those days at home recovering from the C-section (still recovering), then the intense weariness of it all ... its been hard to get around to regular daily activities. For those who haven't had a chance to check out Caleb's blog, I encourage you to do so. He's got a bunch of pictures up and has been keeping better track of things.

There's so much to say about the last 10 days I hardly know where to start. All I can say succinctly is that my daily reality has made a 180 degree turn. As much as you can "prepare" for something like the birth of a new child, there's no real understanding until it actually happens. Knowing I'll be tired and experiencing actual tiredness are two separate things. Knowing I'll fall in love with a 6 1/2 pound baby one day and actually experiencing that love are two separate things.

Its been a blast, albeit an exhausting one, experiencing all the things so many friends and family members assured me would come to pass. It turns out motherhood IS quite natural, and I've fallen into it pretty smoothly. And Caleb has fallen into fatherhood equally as well. Breastfeeding isn't quite the drama I imagined it would be. And even though NOTHING about birth went the way it was supposed to, somehow everything worked out just right in the end (it helps that I'm finally feeling much better now and moving around well). More about the birth story later.

Miss Josephine (as she prefers to be called) is now 9 days old. I know this might sound funny, but I already feel like she's growing up so fast! The last week has just flown (which, in the case of recovering from surgery, is nice). I already dread how quickly the coming weeks, months, and years will pass. She'll be heading off to college before we know it!

I have so much more to say, but I am still sorting through all my emotions and feelings and observations. I will write more as opportunity allows. I promise. Just know that all is going well, and being a mom is so much more than I ever imagined. It might be a somewhat uncertain adventure we're embarking upon, but I'm more than ready to tackle it. More to come!

party weekend

This past weekend we celebrated a wedding, a birthday and a baby (not mine ... no Josephine yet). I'll let the pictures tell the stories.

THE WEDDING

On Saturday afternoon, in a lovely and simple ceremony in my parents' backyard, my grandpa got married. He married Marilyn McNichols, a woman he's known since high school. In fact, she and her husband and my grandparents were good friends for the past 60+ years. We are so excited they have each other. They have been a true example of how being blissfully in love is not only for the young, but for the young at heart as well.

The "Auntibodies." My Aunts ... Jean, Joan and Joyce, and my Mom ... standing as grooms'-maids beside my grandpa.

Caleb trying to outdo my belly. But at 39 weeks, I'm afraid its impossible. (Just one week to go! Or thereabouts ....)

My grandpa and Marilyn with Jack and Joan, my parents Doug and Judi, Jean and Dave, and Joyce and Bob. (I don't think Joyce knew the camera was rolling ... )

THE BIRTHDAY


My brother David and his wife Rachel came down this weekend for the wedding, so we had a chance to celebrate Rachel's birthday on Sunday morning with a full breakfast. Her actual birthday is June 13, but I don't think anyone minds starting those celebrations early, especially Rachel.

Rachel, starting her morning off right.

THE BABY SHOWER

My cousin Molly (my Aunt Joyce's youngest daughter) is expecting her first child just 7 weeks after me. We celebrated on Sunday afternoon in my cousin's backyard. The aunts had fun with the bug theme for the shower, and made these cupcakes.



Molly is on 24-hour bed rest right now, but was given permission to be at the shower ... as long as she reclined during the party. She's doing well, and we're all continuing to pray for a healthy and full-term baby. She just has 8 weeks to go!

Molly opening gifts. This is a blanket my mom crocheted for baby Swanson (we don't know if she's having a Gustav or a Vienna yet).